Blaming Yourself for Serious Illness

When you are diagnosed with any sort of serious illness, you go through many different feelings and emotions.  You question the fairness of life, and no… it isn’t fair.  You find yourself asking the question “Why me?”.  Most of us consider ourselves to be good people, and we certainly all know people who don’t fall under the category of good.  That leads to considering why something like that would happen to us.

For myself, and for many others too, this takes us down an uncomfortable path.  Could it possibly be that I deserve to be sick?

I was deeply shocked to realize that I truly did think that I deserved to be sick.  I thought back to all the bad things I had done in my life, and saw them as the reasons for the illness.  Suddenly it all made sense–if I had been a better person and lived a better life, I wouldn’t be sick now!

On a logical level, this may sound silly, but on a gut level it can feel very real.  For me, it was one more thing to worry about, in addition to all my ongoing physical problems…one more thing I didn’t need or want.

If you feel that you are to blame for your own illness, the tapping script below may help you to release those feelings.

TAPPING SCRIPT FOR BLAMING YOURSELF

Setup:

• Even though I feel like I am to blame for my own illness, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
• Even though I feel like if I were a better person, I wouldn’t be sick, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
• Even though a part of me feels like I deserve to be sick, I deeply and completely love and accept myself, and I’m open to the idea that I could be wrong about that.

Reminder phrases:

Eyebrow: I have nobody to blame but myself for being sick.
Outside eye: I deserve to be sick because I wasn’t always a good person.
Under eye: The things I did in my life earned me this illness.
Under nose: It’s very upsetting for me to think about, but this is my fault.
Chin: I hate feeling like this about myself.
Collar bone: I can’t seem to find peace about this issue.
Under arm: I hurt myself and everyone that I love.
Top of head: But maybe there’s a better way to look at this.

Eyebrow: I think that I caused this illness myself
Outside eye: But I’m willing to consider that might not be true
Under eye: I may not have always been perfect
Under nose: But I was the best person that I knew how to be
Chin: There must be some reason why I’m sick
Collar bone: But does anyone really deserve to be sick?
Under arm: Absolutely not!!!
Top of head: I can learn to cope with this illness without feeling guilty.

Eyebrow: My behavior did not cause my illness
Outside eye: I won’t waste my time and energy worrying about that
Under eye: I choose to focus on the positives in my life
Under nose: I can feel better physically and emotionally by keeping it positive
Chin: My decision is to forgive myself for anything that I feel I did wrong
Collar bone: Holding onto those negative feelings isn’t serving me well
Under arm: I choose to smile instead of cry
Top of head: My body responds to those smiles and that forgiveness, and I’m feeling better.

……………………………………………………………………………..

Tapping Support Group

Are you interested in becoming part of a tapping support group?  My personal focus is on cancer, but I know that a lot of the issues I am dealing with are common for anyone dealing with a serious disease.

The group would “meet” weekily on my conference line and there would be no charge to participate.  My hope is that we can support each other.

If you are interested in participating, please reply to pat@seeking-serenity.com .

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Facing Cancer: EFT Can Help

I was diagnosed with cancer of the duodenum last year.  My battle with cancer has, until now, been fought very privately, and few people knew what I was going through.  I am finally ready to speak publicly, in the hopes that my own experiences may help others to cope with their own personal fight against cancer.

My initial reaction to the cancer diagnosis was denial.  Cancer?  Me??  No way!  Denial was followed by shock and horror, which was then followed by a deep, deep sadness.  I cried an ocean of tears.  Every time that I spoke to a family member or a friend, the tears flowed.  I wasn’t  ready to leave this life, yet the doctors were telling me that I didn’t have that much time left.

Finally I moved emotionally to the place where I am right now.  I have come to a place of acceptance of the fact that I have to deal with the cancer, but not acceptance of the prognosis which was given to me.  I know in my heart of hearts that I have to fight this disease with every fiber of my being.  I have to do that for myself, and for every person that I love.

I have been fortunate to have had wonderful support from family and friends, and a friend and fellow EFT practitioner told me about a new book by Emma Roberts, EFT Master, called Even Though I Have Cancer… I mentioned the book to another friend who had recently had a cancer diagnosis in her own family, and this lovely lady purchased a copy of the book for herself, and a copy for me, for which I am profoundly grateful.

As I explored the book, which is nearly 400 pages long, I found chapter after chapter relating to different aspects of dealing with cancer.  What I was most delighted with were the many tapping scripts related to every topic covered.  As an experienced EFTer, I have had plenty of experience with creating tapping scripts “on the fly” for clients, and for myself.  When dealing with the cancer, however, I felt so totally overwhelmed that I just couldn’t find the words.  What a relief to have an entire library of scripts that I could  refer to and use without having to struggle to say what I wanted.

I have used Emma’s scripts to deal with my fears, my depression and sadness, my fear of chemotherapy, nausea as a result of chemo, and much more.  Emma has given any of us with cancer an amazing resource by writing this book, and I truly hope that any of you who are in the same situation as I am will consider purchasing the book.  as a gift to yourself.

One final comment:  As I go through my day to day struggles, I have found that one of the most healing things for me is laughter.  No matter how badly I might be feeling, a funny comment made by a loved one cheers me right up.  I keep reminding myself to look for the humor in everyday situations, and now I’m passing that along to you…whatever your own personal struggles might be, keep laughing.

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Don’t Take It Personally!

In a perfect world, we all would be calm and serene, and our interactions with others would always be kind and considerate, as would their interactions with us. Sadly, this is not a perfect world.

We all have days when we get up on the wrong side of the bed, or when something upsetting or stressful has happened, and we just can’t let go of it.  Just as we have those kinds of days, so do all the people that we interact with — family, friends, coworkers, neighbors.  Even the most thoughtful of people can find themselves being short with someone else because they’ve had a bad day.  It happens.

Wen someone else is inconsiderate, thoughtless or downright rude with us, it’s easy to go to a place of annoyance, anger, or hurt and to find yourself muttering something like “I didn’t do anything to deserve that.  ________ really hurt my feelings”.  You may be a “give as good as I get” kind of person, and lash out.  It’s doesn’t help..it just makes things more difficult.

When you find yourself in this kind of situation, why not step back and try to see the situation through the eyes of the other person?  Did your son or daughter just get pushed around by the neighborhood bully?  Did your husband have a run-in with his boss?  Did your neighbor just find out that his/her job is in jeopardy?  Wouldn’t you be upset if you were in that situation?

It’s entirely possible that the best thing you could do for all concerned is to step back with a smile, and with the understanding that what happened may have had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with whatever situation is going on in that person’s life.

There is a difference, though, between choosing to not point the finger, and allowing people to walk all over you.  If you know of something going on in the other person’s life, that may give you the motivation to not engage them in an angry or confrontational way.  If you have no idea what might be going on, give that person the benefit of the doubt.  If the behavior happens again, maybe you could try talking to that person and trying to sort things out.

Most important is not to assume that you’re being attacked verbally or insulted in some way.  You have bad days, I have bad days, we all have bad days.  I wouldn’t like having anyone assume the worst about me on one of my bad days.  I’m usually a kind person, but a financial problem or an argument with a friend or family member might have pushed me over the edge emotionally.  Bottom line..give others the consideration that you would like to have extended to yourself.

Tapping Script For Not Taking Things Personally

Setup – Karate Chop:

• Even though I’m sometimes quick to jump to the conclusion that others are passing judgment on me, I’m ready for that to change, and I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
• Even though what happened really hurt my feelings, I’m open to the idea that ________ might have been having a bad day, or might be feeling upset or stressed, and I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
• Even though I’m upset with __________ right now, I’m willing consider letting go of that feeling, and bringing some healing to this, and I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Reminders:

Eyebrow: I’m really upset with __________
Side of eye: _________ didn’t have to act the way he/she did
Under eye: It was insulting
Under nose: It was upsetting
Chin: I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment
Collar bone: When someone hurts me that way
Under arm: Sometimes I feel like hurting them right back
Top of head: Maybe it’s time to bring some peace to this.

Eyebrow: I don’t like being treated that way
Side of eye: But maybe _________ was just having a bad day
Under eye: It felt very personal when it happened
Under nose: But maybe there was nothing personal about it
Chin: I’m ready to start letting go of some of this hurt
Collar bone: I’m ready to move toward healing
Under arm: Starting to release those hurt feelings
Top of head: Transforming that hurt to an energy of peace.

Eyebrow: Breathing out more and more of the hurt
Side of eye: Feeling my body start to relax
Under eye: I’m ready to cut ________ some slack
Under nose: And to move on from there
Chin: Continuing to release those hurt feelings
Collar bone: I’m feeling better about myself
Under arm: And I’m feeling better about _________ too
Top of head: Tranforming the last of the hurt into a healing energy.

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Visit my website at Seeking Serenity.

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Tapping Away The Holiday Blues With EFT

The holidays can be a wonderful time of year, full of love and happiness and family and friends.  The holidays can also be difficult, if all is not well in your life.  If you’re having people problems, money problems, health problems or pretty much any kind of problem and just can’t seem to connect with any holiday spirit, EFT can help to move you to a better place.

Christmas is a perfect time to celebrate and give thanks for all the positive things going on in your life.  Your initial reaction to that statement might be along the lines of “Are you kidding?  My life stinks!”.  If that was your response, you are focused on the negatives in your life, and completely ignoring the positives.  Wouldn’t you feel better about yourself and about life in general if you could turn that around, and recognize that your glass is really half full, not half empty?  EFT can help you to make that change.

If you’re feeling sorry for yourself because your salary doesn’t allow for extras, and you won’t be able to spend a lot on Christmas, how about considering how many people are out of work, and don’t have any salary at all?  You may not be rich, but if you have a regular paycheck and can take care of the basics, you’re in much better shape than all of those who are unemployed.

Perhaps you’ve recently gone through a divorce, have lost a close friend, or have moved to a new area where you don’t know anyone yet.  You’re feeling very isolated and lonely as Christmas approaches.  You may still be acutely feeling that loss, but there really are different and better ways of looking at the situation.  This is the start of a new chapter in your life, with infinite possibilities.  Instead of looking back and grieving the loss, how about trying to look ahead at your new beginning with anticipation and excitement?

Christmas is a time when family conflicts tend to bubble to the surface.  You may have had a falling out with a family member that would normally be a part of your celebration, but won’t be there this year.  You may be spending more time with a family member that is difficult to cope with, with feelings of stress and anger building by the day.  When there are conflicts within the family, there is nearly always some guilt associated with those conflicts.  After all, this is your family, and you’re all supposed to love each other and get along, right?

The Christmas holidays are often a time when we have unrealistic expectations for 0urselves and others.  Many people look forward to the “perfect family Christmas” and ignore the fact that there isn’t much in life that’s perfect.  Expecting to have the “perfect Christmas dinner” or to receive the “perfect Christmas gift” is unrealistic, and you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  Why not lower your expectations, and accept that we’re all just human, just sort of go with the flow, recognizing that just as you have holiday stressors, so do all your family members?

The tapping scripts below was created to help you deal with the various issues that arise during the holidays, and to find positives where you formerly found only negatives. They are each meant to be a starting point. Add your own words and feelings as appropriate.

Christmas Blues Tapping Scripts: Choose the one(s) appropriate for you!

Finances: Setup — Karate chop:

• Even though I wish I had enough money to buy terrific presents for the people I love, I know in my heart that Christmas isn’t about money or gifts, and I’m making a choice to enjoy this Christmas and to be grateful for what I have, and not worry about what I don’t have, and I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.

Reminders:

• Eyebrow: I wish I had more money to spend on Christmas
• Outside eye: But I know that Christmas really isn’t about money
• Under eye: People won’t love me less if I don’t buy them expensive gifts
• Under nose: Loved ones around me, a beautiful Christmas dinner
• Chin: I can take great joy from those precious things
• Collar bone: I’m making a choice to celebrate Christmas in the best way I can
• Under arm: I’m letting go of those feelings that I have to spend money for Christmas to be good
• Top of head: And I’m embracing the knowledge that Christmas can be joyful, even without money or gifts.

Family Conflicts: Setup — Karate chop:

• Even though ___________ is getting on my last nerve this Christmas, and I’m find it hard to enjoy and celebrate the holiday, I know that ____________ has demands on him/her too, and maybe I should be a bit more patient and accepting with him/her, and I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself and __________ .

Reminders:

• Eyebrow: _________ is really getting on my nerves
• Outside eye: I’m angry because I feel like he/she is ruining my Christmas
• Under eye: I’m open to the idea that I’m being too hard on ________
• Under nose: Maybe it’s time to cut _________ some slack
• Chin: And while I’m at it, maybe I should cut myself some slack too
• Collar bone: I’m ready to start letting go of this anger
• Under arm: A little at a time, in a way that feels comfortable to me
• Top of head: Letting go of the anger and bringing some healing to this

Loneliness:  Setup — Karate chop:

• Even though I’m feeling lonely and isolated this holiday season, I’m open to the idea that there are actions I can take to interact with others, and I choose to seek out and celebrate the positive things in my life, and to start letting go of those feelings of loneliness, and I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.

Reminders:

• Eyebrow: I feel so all alone at Christmas
• Outside eye: Nobody to celebrate with except myself
• Under eye: But maybe I need to take another look at this situation
• Under nose: Maybe I can participate in holiday activities and meet new people
• Chin: Maybe I can reconnect with people from my past
• Collar bone: There ARE things I can do to change this
• Under arm: I’m going to do my best to make this a good Christmas
• Top of head: I’m going to stop feeling sorry for myself, and celebrate

Unrealistic Expectations:  Setup — Karate Chop:

• Even though I have high expectations for myself and others in my life this Christmas, I’m open to the idea that those expectations may be unrealistic, and I’m ready to embrace more realistic expectations, and to stop being so hard on myself and my loved ones, and I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself and others just as we are.

Reminders:

• Eyebrow: I’m not cutting anyone any slack this Christmas
• Outside eye: Not even myself
• Under eye: I expect this to be a perfect Christmas
• Under nose: But is there really such a thing?
• Chin: I’m open to the possibility that this can be a good Christmas
• Collar bone: Without being perfect
• Under arm: Maybe I can just relax and enjoy the holiday
• Top of head: And take all that pressure off myself and everyone else

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Visit my website at Seeking Serenity.

Download the FREE ebook EFT Quick Reference here.

Have a wonderful Christmas, and thanks very much for reading my blog.

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Inner Theater and EFT – A Winning Combination

The Inner Theater technique involves the client using EFT and visual imagery in a way which allows them to approach highly emotionally charged memories that is non-threatening to the client and is less traumatic than some more traditional approaches.

With Inner Theater, a client creates a safe place in their mind/imagination — an inner sanctuary of sorts in which they have total control. Nobody can enter that sanctuary without their permission, and nothing can happen in that space that they don’t wish to have happen.

Clients are encouraged to give their imagination free reign, and to “go with the flow”, and not try to analyze what happens as this imagery plays out.  Things seem to evolve very naturally and easily when using Inner Theater, and the solutions flow just as easily.  If a client can trust in the process, they will find EFT and Inner Theater to be powerful tools for change and healing.

I have found inner Theater to be an effective technique for me personally, although I don’t consider myself to be a particularly visual person. Even if you can’t actually create a picture in your mind, so long as you can imagine the picture/scene, the technique works. Continuous tapping, without specific words, is often a part of my Inner Theater sessions.

Using Inner Theater, you have all the power, and you can transform even the most frightening things in your past into something less threatening and easier to work with using traditional EFT.

For instance, if you carry a lot of fear related to incidents in your past, think about what it would take to make you feel safe. In an Inner Theater session of my own, during which I worked with a skilled EFT practitioner experienced in Inner Theater, I addressed all the fear that I had due to a history of physical abuse.  Unable to confront the fear directly, I visualized myself projecting the fear outside of my body, and I magically transformed it into a gray, swirling mist. As I continuously tapped, that mist became a small tornado, and the faster it swirled, the smaller it got. Finally the fear was reduced to a lump of coal.

I tapped on my need to feel safe, and realized that I still had some work to do. I visualed putting that piece of coal into a trunk, covering it with chains and locks, and transporting it to a faraway location. Next I buried the trunk, surrounded it with a high fence, topped with razor wire, and surrounded it with fierce guards.

Another way that I have personally used EFT and Inner Theater is to deal with guilt. I was carrying a lot of guilt about my mothering abilities, and that guilt was constantly pricking at me. When I thought about how I pictured the guilt, I got a mental image of me laying on a bed of nails. Each nail represented a time that I felt I had failed my children. Every time I moved, the nails would prick me. How could I get off of that bed of nails? I tapped continuously as I pondered that, and gradually got a picture of the nails transforming into soft blades of grass, gently cushioning me. The guilt diminished, and I could feel the emotional intensity of this issue dropping as I continued to tap.

Next I pictured a conversation between my daughter and I.  I expressed my guilt about the way in which I had raised her, and I apologized. Her response was “You’re a great mom, and I’m lucky to have you!” (Something she had actually said to me). I tapped on those very positive statements, and the level of my guilt dropped even more, while my confidence about what kind of mother I’d been increased.

EFT and Inner Theater can be used in a multitude of ways, with your only limits being those of your imagination. If you can think it and picture it, you can work on it, so why not give a try?

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Moving Past Fibromyalgia With EFT

Fibromyalgia is a devastating condition to live with. I lived with it myself, and I know. When you have fibromyalgia, you are in pain every minute of every day. Your general practitioner or rheumatologist will provide you with pain medication, from which you can get some relief, but the pain never really goes away. Living like that wears you down both physically and emotionally.

From my own personal experience, I know that doctors don’t leave you with much hope, in terms of possible improvement of your condition. My own doctor told me, “We’ve talked about this before. It’s always going to be this way, so accept it.”

His words did nothing to push me in the direction of acceptance. Quite the opposite, in fact. My doctor made me absolutely determined to do anything and everything that I could to move out of that world of constant pain.

I had discovered the wonders of EFT not long before my diagnosis.  I was tapping for work related stress, and getting some very good results.  When I look back now, I know that EFT was the only thing that allowed me to stay in a job that I hated and still be functional.

What I realized at some point was that the more stress I was able to tap away with EFT, the less pain I had.  On the days that my stress level was at its’ highest, my pain was nearly intolerable.

That was, for me, a wonderful incentive to keep on tapping.  The tapping not only allowed me to feel better emotionally, it also reduced my pain and made me more comfortable physically.

As it became more and more obvious that my pain level was going down, I dared to start dreaming of getting off the medications that I was taking, two of which were for pain, and one which helped me to sleep.  I continued to tap on the work stress on a daily basis, but now also tapped on the pain directly, and how it made me feel.  I found that I had anger, frustration, sadness and a sense that my body had let me down.  I tapped on all of it.

I began keeping a tapping journal.  I kept track of what I tapped on each day, what feelings that bought up, what kind of relief I got, and what outstanding issues (tail enders) came up during my tapping.  The journal really helped to keep me focused on my goal.

After several months of tapping and journaling, it became obvious to me that my pain level was low enough to start working on getting the drugs out of my system.  I started with my strongest pain killer, weaning myself off it, until I no longer was taking it at all.  Next came my second pain killer, which I also weaned myself off, being careful to keep journaling about what went on each day.  Next I reduced the medication that I was taking to help me sleep, and finally stopped it completely.  The last step for me was being weaned off of the Cymbalta that my rheumatologist had recommended.  This is a drug with most unpleasant side effects at times, and you should never stop it suddenly, or on your own.  I was taken off Cymbalta gradually, with reduced doses, under the supervision of my doctor.

After years of being heavily medicated, I was now drug free except for my medication for hypertension.  What a personal victory that was, and what a lesson it was for me as far as the closed minds of many doctors.  It never even occurred to my rheumatologist that my condition could improve, and since he had no hope, he took away mine, a terrible thing to do.

If you suffer from fibromyalgia, and would like to start tapping on your pain and what might be at the bottom of it, your best bet is to start a tapping journal of your own.  Start tracking:

• Your daily pain levels.
• How that pain makes you feel. (Sad, angry, helpless, etc.)
• What can you NOT do now, that you could do before?
• Is there a secondary gain for you in not being able to do those things?
• Would peoples’ expectations of you change if you were to stop having so much pain?
• Do you get more attention/care/nurturing because you’re in pain?
• How much relief do you get when you tap directly on the pain?
• How much relief do you get when you tap on the emotions around the pain?
• What kind of tapping seems to work best for you?

By keeping a journal about these kinds of issues, you track your progress and are able to easily see what is most effective for you.  Using EFT to address your condition is good.  Doing this while keeping a tapping journal is even better.

Perhaps most important of all on a journey like this is to be persistent, and try to not get discouraged.  Relief doesn’t happen overnight, and you need to be encouraged by each small victory that you have.  Hang in there, keep tapping, and you too can move past fibromyalgia.

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Visit my website at http://seeking-serenity.com.

Download the FREE ebook “The Forgiveness Workbook” here.

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Putting Yourself First

Are you one of those people who is constantly doing things for others, while always putting yourself at the bottom of your own list of priorities? If so, it’s time to look at how you move yourself to the top of the list, where you belong.

When you consistently put others ahead of yourself, putting all your energy into doing for them, by the time that you get to yourself, you’ve used up all your energy. There is a big difference between being selfish and recognizing that you are important too. Always making yourself a top priority, to the exclusion of those around you who deserve some of your time and energy, is selfish. Taking the time and effort to treat yourself well, and to put some energy into keeping yourself well and happy is not selfish…it’s vital to your health and well being.

Some of us, particularly of the female persuasion, seem to be born to be care takers. We dote over our children. We wait on our partners. We fuss over family, friends, neighbors and coworkers. Everyone adores us for all the loving attention that we give them, but at some point we start to feel resentful of the fact that we never have time for ourselves.

People around us come to expect the attention that we lavish on them, and often start making demands of us. If you’re a caretaker that puts everyone else first, you almost certainly have trouble saying no. You may secretly get angry with the person making demands (“Why do they always ask ME?”) and angry with yourself (“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I say no?”), but in the end we usually do say yes, whether we actually want to or not. It feels selfish to say no.

The reality is that we all have just a finite amount of energy. There has to be a balance. Putting every bit of your energy into taking care of other people and ignoring your own needs is counterproductive. If you take care of yourself, you’ll ultimately have more energy for everything else in your life. You’ll feel better about you.

EFT can be a useful tool for helping you to refocus on yourself. Give the tapping script below a try, and see if you can move yourself to the top of your priority list.

Tapping Script For Putting Yourself First

Setup – Karate chop:

• Even though I get mad at myself for putting everyone else first, and forgetting about me, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
• Even though I seem to think that everyone else is more important than me, so I don’t see myself as a priority, I still deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
• Even though logically I know that I’m important too, and I need to give more attention to me, I keep using up all my energy on other people, but I deeply and profoundly love and accept all the parts of me, even the part that puts everyone else in front of me, and I’m open to the possibility that I can refocus on myself.

Reminder phrases:

Eyebrow: I’m at the bottom of my own priority list
Outside eye: I use up all my energy on other people
Under eye: No matter what they need, I don’t feel like I can say no
Under nose: Saying no would be selfish
Chin: But I get mad at myself
Collar bone: For always saying yes to others
Under arm: But always saying no to myself
Top of head: I think it may be time to change my priorities.

Eyebrow: I’m open to the idea that I’m important too
Outside eye: And I’m ready to start looking out for me
Under eye: Starting to release the feeling that I don’t matter
Under nose: And embracing my own value and importance
Chin: I don’t say no to other people
Collar bone: Because I think they’re more important than me
Under arm: And I feel like their needs should come first
Top of head: But it’s past time to take care of me!

Eyebrow: My needs are just as important as anyone elses
Outside eye: And I’m entitled to give time and energy to myself
Under eye: I’m deserving of that time and energy
Under nose: Continuing to let go of my feelings of not being important
Chin: Recognizing my value as a person
Collar bone: Feeling better and better about myself
Under arm: And realizing that I’ll be better able to take care of others
Top of head: If I take care of myself first.

Eyebrow: Releasing my need to always say yes to others
Outside eye: Because I’m just as important as they are
Under eye: I have the right to say no if I want to
Under nose: People won’t stop caring about me just because I say no
Chin: Feeling stronger and more confident
Collar bone: As I move higher and higher on my priority list
Under arm: Releasing the last of my feeling of not being important
Top of head: And bringing a healing energy to this situation.

Visit my website at Seeking Serenity.

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When You Feel Stuck in a Relationship

I lived through a bad marriage…well, a terrible one…so I know all about being stuck in a relationship. I know what it’s like to be miserable every single day, and still stay. I know what it’s like to wish that you were anywhere except where you are. I know what it’s like to feel happy when your husband is gone, and sad when he gets back home.

Looking back from where I am now, I’m amazed that I was able to endure that marriage for as long as I did, but I was scared of leaving. Even though I had been a very independent woman prior to the marriage, after a dozen years I was terrified at the thought of being alone, of having to face all of life’s problems on my own.

I also know that I was far from alone in that fear. Since that time I have gotten to know many women who stayed in bad marriages because of fear. Can I really make it on my own? What if there won’t be enough money? How will I get by? How lonely will I be? Will I regret leaving?

There are a multitude of reasons that we use to convince ourselves that we’re better off staying, no matter how bad it is, than we would be to strike out on our own. This is particularly true if you have been in an abusive relationship, in which your self esteem has been taken from you. In that case, you may feel pretty darn sure that you can’t make it on your own. You’d be wrong!

In my case, taking the steps that I needed to take to divorce my husband was scary, but once I’d done it, with lots of support from family and friends, I felt like I had been let out of a dark, depressing prison. I found out how wonderful life could be if you weren’t miserable all the time. I got a good job, pampered myself and my daughter in a way I hadn’t been able to before that, bought a new car, and bought a home of my own. Life was good!

If you’re feeling as miserable as I was in your relationship, look inside yourself, at the real reasons why you stay.

• Are you afraid that you won’t be able to take care of yourself financially?
• Are you afraid of being alone?
• Do you feel that if you leave the relationship you’ll never find another partner?
• Would you rather be unhappy and with someone than happy and alone?
• Do you think that your feelings about the relationship aren’t important?
• Are you staying because you think it’s best for the kids?
• Have you convinced yourself that everyone feels the way you do their relationships?

EFT can make a huge difference, in terms of helping you to get unstuck, but in order for your tapping to be effective, you need to find your own truths and tap on those. It’s not easy to acknowledge those thoughts and emotions that we may consider to be weaknesses, but in order to get from where you are…STUCK…to where you want to be, it is extremely important for you to do so.

Even if you start off with a setup phrase like, “Even though I feel stuck in this relationship and I’m not really sure why, but I’d like to move forward in my life, and I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.” As you tap on a phrase like that, you may very well have thoughts pop into your head about the actual reasons why you’re stuck. Give it a try..you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Good luck in both your self examination and your tapping!

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How Am I Angry? Let Me Count The Ways!

Anger is one of the strongest emotions that we experience.  It can range from mild annoyance to full blown, over the top fury that consumes you.  Feeling anger when something happens that is hurtful or upsetting is normal.  Unfortunately, for a lot of us it’s also normal to continue to carry anger for years, or even for a lifetime.

What we don’t realize when we continue to carry anger over our past is the toll that it takes on us.  Anger is an active emotion.  It takes energy to stay angry…energy that could be better used in any number of ways, if only we could let go of the anger.

Somehow, though, we feel that letting go of anger at someone who has hurt us would amount to letting them off the hook.  They did something awful,  they really hurt me, and they should have to pay.  The big problem here is that YOU are the one who is paying, over and over and over.

Many of us were raised to believe that anger was an inappropriate emotion.  As a child, we were warned against outbursts of anger.  We learned to hold that anger in, to hide it from the world.  We got so good at hiding the anger that at some point it even was hidden from us.  We hide it, and then somehow we manage to consciously forget all about it.  Anger?  What anger??

Because so many of us have gotten so good at hiding and forgetting about our anger, it’s not a part of our daily awareness, but it’s always there, in the back of our mind, working to protect us for all the hurt and pain in the world.  It’s always ready to pop out at a moments’ notice, ready to do its’ job, which is keeping us safe.

You will never forget the bully who lived down the block from you and picked on you every time you left your yard.  You won’t forget your fifth grade teacher, who singled you out from the class and embarrassed you repeatedly.  The reason you won’t forget them is that the anger at them is still there, hovering just beyond your consciousness.

This is an area where EFT can make profound changes in your life.  Once you have identified the core issues behind your anger, tapping can help you to let go of the anger.  It’s hard to imagine the level of relief that you can feel once you’ve tapped on some of your anger issues.  Suddenly you realize that you have reclaimed all that energy that you were sinking into maintaining the anger.  Suddenly you feel lighter, since the weight of all that anger has been lifted from your shoulders.

In order to be able to eliminate the anger, you have to be able to specifically identify the causes so that they can be tapped on.  The questions below are designed to help you do that. Get some paper and a pen. Sit down quietly and really give some thought to the questions. Write down the answers. Most important of all, be honest with yourself.

What’s My Anger All About?

1. Who am I mad at?
2. What did that person say or do to me to make me angry?
3. What was so bad about it that I’m not able to let go of the anger?
4. When this person did whatever it was that they did, how did that make me feel?
5. Did they cause me emotional pain?  If so, what kind?  How bad?
6. What would it take for me to be ready to let go of the anger?
7. Do I really WANT to let go of the anger?  If not, why?
8. How would I benefit by continuing to hold onto the anger?
9. How would I benefit by letting go of the anger?
10. Do I feel like letting go of the anger would be like forgiving the person who hurt me?
11. What is getting in the way of me being able to release my anger?

If you can honestly answer the above questions, you will probably have lots of thoughts, feelings, emotions and memories to plug into your own tapping statements in order to work on your anger.  Good luck with your anger work, and if you’d like some advice on crafting your anger tapping script, email me at pat@seeking-serenity.com.

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An Attitude of Gratitude

There are times when all of us get into the “poor me” mindset.  My house isn’t big enough, my kids aren’t good enough, my partner isn’t attentive enough, my job isn’t fulfilling enough.  Somehow, it’s easy to see that glass as half empty.  At the time that we’re doing that complaining, we are overlooking some seriously important and wonderful parts of our lives.

Maybe your house isn’t as large as you’d like, but the fact that you HAVE a house is something to be grateful for, especially in this rough economy.  Maybe your children don’t always behave as well as you’d like them to, but there are lots of people who would give anything just to be able to have a child, so how fortunate are you?  Your partner isn’t attentive enough?  Did it ever occur to you to be thankful that you have a partner who cares about you, and that you aren’t having to deal with lifes’ ups and down all alone?  So your job isn’t quite what you’d like it to be.  In a time of massive layoffs and people going hungry or losing their homes because they no longer have a paycheck, you DO!  Be grateful for that.

You see where I’m going with this.  Instead of complaining about what you  don’t have and how flawed your life is, how about working on appreciating what you DO have?  REALLY appreciating it!  Even better, how about learning to look for all the little gifts that life gives us, and realizing how precious they are?

Life gives us gifts every single day, but if you aren’t looking for them, and don’t recognize them as gifts, you’re losing out.

I have found out that for me personally, the little gifts never have anything to do with money or prosperity or anything like that.  The gifts are smaller and more subtle.  There is nothing that I like better than waking up to birds singing right outside my bedroom window.  I can’t take that beautiful birdsong to the bank, but I can certainly appreciate how much the song brightens my day.

Another small gift that I love is the sound of raindrops on my roof.  There is something deeply relaxing about the sound, something that makes me look forward to those rainy days in a way I never did before.

I have learned to recognize many gifts in my life, and recognizing them as gifts enhances the quality of my life.  I have three spoiled and wonderful cats that I love.  Having one of them crawl into my lap and look up at me adoringly is always a gift.  I live far from my family, so a phone call from my son or my sister is always a gift too.  Dinner with an old and treasured friend…an unexpected card, letter or package…time in the bookstore with my daughter, who thinks as I do and believes the bookstore to be a perfect place to be.  So many gifts that I’m truly glad I haven’t missed noticing.

If you find that you have trouble seeing the gifts in your own life, maybe the tapping script below will help.

Tapping Script For Developing an Attitude of Gratitude

Setup Phrases – Karate chop:

Eyebrow: I don’t always notice the good things in my life
Outside eye: Even if they’re right in front of my eyes
Under eye: I don’t always realize how much I have to be grateful for
Under nose: But I always seem to notice the things to complain about
Chin: Wouldn’t it be nice if I recognized all those good things?
Collar bone: Maybe it’s time to start looking at life with new eyes
Under arm: So that I can see all the gifts that come my way
Top of head: And appreciate every one of them!

Eyebrow: There are miracles happening around me every day
Outside eye: If I’ll only open my eyes to them
Under eye: If the sun is shining and the birds are singing
Under nose: Those are miracles worth recognizing
Chin: If I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach
Collar bone: That’s a lot to be grateful for
Under arm: People around me that care about me are an incredible gift
Top of head: I’m so happy to be seeing all the gifts in my life.

Eyebrow: I really do have a lot to be grateful for
Outside eye: And I feel so much better now that I’ve recognized that
Under eye: Feeling more and more grateful for the blessings in my life
Under nose: Thank you, thank you, thank you for the people around me
Chin: So grateful for the blue sky, the white fluffy clouds and the shining sun
Collar bone: So happy to face each day with a smile instead of a frown
Under arm: I’ve made a choice in my life
Top of head: And I’m choosing an attitude of gratitude for all my blessings.

Visit my website at Seeking Serenity.

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